he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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