From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
