While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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