I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
