You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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