A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Randomize
