Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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