that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
