I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
