the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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