there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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