So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
