you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
That was before I lit my hair on fire
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize