We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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