I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
