Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
