I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
