Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
