i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Randomize
