The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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