Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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