The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
