Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I intend to get homeless drunk
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
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