I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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