i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
