Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
