And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
