i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Randomize
