There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
