In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize