fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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