mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
