I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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