I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She told me I should be a condom model.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
