my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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