I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
