Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
