you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize