I'm so fucking centered right now
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
