I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
it hurts more in the daytime
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
