I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
