i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
