just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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