$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
My pussy is not your playground.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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