Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You pole danced in your parka.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
