I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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