My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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