God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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