i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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