At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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