Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
