I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
