I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
