White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
