seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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