i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
