Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize