3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
