he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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