I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Everything about him screamed your future.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize