Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
