just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
