please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
