1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
