I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
