You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
