Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
PS: I just woke up from my shower
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
