Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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