I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
