dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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