Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize