T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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