I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
