No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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