Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
