I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
